JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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