I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
