how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
