Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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