who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Two words: nipple clamps
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