things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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