You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
