when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
