I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
vagina is talking i cant
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
