i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
