I hate your face
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
