i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
