I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
