haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she pinky promised me she was 18
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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