i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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