mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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