my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
