yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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