She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
