I'm really into asian looking animals
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
