my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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