When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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