I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
