Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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