I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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