then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
