my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize