I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
are you so shy because you have an std?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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