I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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