i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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