We're like a lot better than the average bears
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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