I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
