I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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