If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
