My hand turned me down
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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