I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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