member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
