i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
