just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
