Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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