im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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