I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
