He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
