new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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