I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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