His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
