new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
