The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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