He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
