We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
