I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
