the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize