what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
