His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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