Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
