Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
