the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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