I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize