To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
