Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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