Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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