The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
