im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
