we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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