She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
