first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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