My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
