dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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