Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
